Operation: Creature Preservation – Day 1

Out of habit, I smacked the snooze button when my alarm clock made that hideous noise at seven o’clock this morning. I pondered dozing for those nine precious minutes, but knew that the sooner I got up would be the sooner I returned to bed. And so, I donned a sweatshirt and a pair of dirty jeans, the only kind I own, and buffaloed down the stairs and into the kitchen.

 

I fired-up my laptop and found it - the Word document titled, “Creatures.” In this document, I found instructions. These instructions would be vital in keeping alive the creatures in my home while Kacey is away frolicking in the Arizona sunshine. The creatures, in order of importance, are as follows:

1. (tie) Bitsy the girl and Tito the boy

3. Cash the dog

4. Boz the husband (I have a better life insurance policy than Cash)

5. DollyMama the cat

6. Scarf the cat

7. Gracie the chicken

8. Bob the chicken

9. (tie) – Ziggy and Marley the chickens

 

Step one was to feed Cash two-thirds of a cup of food out of two different bags. Done. Easy peasy.

 

Step two was to feed the cats. Kacey has been feeding them duck-based cat food, as DollyMama seems allergic to the regular chicken-based cat food. How one identifies food allergies within cats is beyond me, but my wife is cool like that. However, Dolly’s duck food is quite a bit more expensive, and I proudly identified a fix. I gave the duck food only to Dolly and the chicken food only to Scarf, utilizing separate plates. They looked at me like I was the most stupid excuse for a human being they have ever met. “You are a fool,” their eyes said to me, and they promptly switched plates.

 

Step three was to tend to the chickens. So, I put on my windbreaker (my only coat) and headed outdoors. Mind you that the chickens have been in our possession for about 250 days, but this is the first time I have cared for them. And I got to practice in beautiful elements – 15 degrees below zero. “But it’s a warm fifteen below,” I told myself. “There is no wind.”

 

I successfully freshened their water, provided them with more food and scratch (whatever that is), and let them out of their coop and into the run.

 

Step four was to get the children off to school – but alas, school was cancelled due to the frigid temperatures. And with that, I was back in bed.

A couple hours later, I arose again and decided to check for eggs. I opened a trap door in the coop to find either Ziggy or Marley sitting comfortably – on three eggs! On this dastardly cold day, this feathered clucker had guarded the eggs from the elements. Now the eggs were still cold, you see, and this was an important. fact Because if the eggs had frozen, Kacey told me that they would not be good for human consumption and I should scramble them for the chickens. “Scramble them for the chickens!” I said to myself in a high-pitched voice. “Whatever.”

 

Having no idea what frozen eggs feel like, I decided to crack them right then and there, and fortunately enough, none of them were frozen. Sofia was the lucky recipient of my culinary skills, and said she thoroughly enjoyed her scrambled freshness – at least until the point she dropped her fork between the couch cushions and could not find it.

 

Skipping ahead to seven o’clock in the evening…I figured it would be good to feed the human creatures in my possession. I found a gift card to Cowboy’s Saloon, and just our luck, it was “wing-night,” with twenty wings costing only five dollars. Given that Tito and I were the only ones eating wings, I only ordered forty. The saloon was packed, likely due to it not only being wing night, but also bingo night. A lover of any and all games, I asked the kids if they wanted to participate, and before waiting for their reply, I bought a card for a dollar. Now, I don’t know that it is a great example to teach your kids how to gamble at such a young age, so I told the kids to view this as low cost entertainment – as any amount we won would be given to our server.

 

After coming up empty for two rounds, I asked the kids if they wanted to stay a bit longer, as the thousand-dollar jackpot was just two rounds away. Bitsy was game, as always, but Tito protested and expressed a desire to get to his homework. I briefly tried to talk him out of it, before coming to my senses when I saw an image of Kacey's scowling face hovering menacingly over our booth.

 

We got home around eight thirty, and I fed Cash. Part of me felt badly that I stretched past his normal dinner time, but the other part noted that he is the slowest dog at our neighborhood dog park, and perhaps he could stand to lean-up a bit. I headed back into the frigid outdoors and crawled into the chicken run, scooping up the chickens one by one and pushing them into their coop. They clucked at me, and not to be outdone, I clucked right back at them. After giving them some fresh, hot water, and another batch of food, I retreated inside, my chest slightly puffed out with accomplishment.

 

I oversaw the completion of math and science homework, and even got the children to take showers. Plopping down in my easy chair at nine-thirty, I thought to myself, “This ain’t so bad.” We shall see.