She’s Leaving Me

She is leaving me.  Tomorrow.

I have known about this for months now, but reality is finally sinking in.

The part that tears me up inside?  I could stop her if I wanted.  If I would only say, “I know things are not perfect, but don’t leave…stay with me instead,” she would not leave.  But, I cannot bring myself to say those words...yet. 

Why?  Such a great question, but all I can think is…selfishness.  She crimps my style.  I do not want to have to rush home for her, and I want my independence.  But, I also want her, so I decide I need to see her one last time.

I ask if we can spend one last afternoon together, just the two of us, like we have done so many times before.  We could go back to our favorite haunts where no one else would see us, and we could rekindle the magic one last time.

Our time together starts as it always does, she is bursting with energy and I am the calm, steady one. But, after a couple minutes, we meet each other in the middle, our bodies come close together and our journey begins. 

We start slowly, barely breathing, but both knowing what lies ahead.  We stay this way for several minutes, bodies becoming warmer as we push harder.  As we start our final ascent, our breathing intensifies.  A couple times I even need to hold her back from going too quickly.  We need to experience this together, this last time.

When we reach the peak, we slow to a stop, exhausted.  I am sweating more than her, but she is breathing harder than me.  We rest for a minute and take in what we just experienced.

A few minutes later, we are standing on the front step, embracing for what may be the last time.  I think about saying the words that will make her stay.  She would love to stay, but, again, I am much too selfish, and I refuse to say the words.

That was yesterday.  Today, I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.  She left while I was at work, just as I knew she would.

She is no longer leaving me.  She’s gone. 

When I think back on our relationship, it was nearly perfect.  Sure, sometimes she was too needy and sometimes I was too selfish.  But overall, we were a great pair.  And the reason we are not together right now is because I refused to say the words to make her stay.

I will miss her.  I already miss her.  Every time I go back to our old haunts, I will think of her.  Maybe someday I will try to get her back…but I doubt it.  My selfishness is unwavering.

Today, my neighbors moved to Utah.  They took all of their tangible possessions and their three (and 1/2) kids.  They also took their golden lab Maddie.  Over the past few years, my family watched Maddie whenever our neighbors went out of town.  Maddie and I shared many long runs together, our route usually taking us to the top of a large hill a couple miles from home.

Given their young and expanding family, I know they feel badly that they are unable to give Maddie the attention she deserves. 

They told us they would be willing to give her to us.  Had I made the request, they would have let Maddie stay with us.  But, I didn’t. 

Maddie, I will miss you.